January 15, 2010

Tomorrow Rick will be gone eight months.  There is something in me that still denies he committed suicide... something that thinks someday I'm going to wake up and find this was all a dream.. and at the same time there is Rea in me, the person who won't play games, not even with herself, and that forces herself to face what he did.  The image of him laying there has faded, something I didn't think would ever happen, but I don't know if that's because I'm suppressing the image, or because life is taking it's natural course.   It's hard for me to imagine that it's life.. easier for me to believe I'm suppressing, as I do almost every thought of him.  I suppress because when I think of what he did I am so overwhelmed with anger towards him that it scares me.  

Eight months ago I said I didn't want anger to be the first thing I felt - I said 'the first thing' because I know anger is a natural part of the grief process and I knew it would sprout at some point - yet anger was the first thing I felt.  And there are times when I feel that it's burnt me out, that there is nothing left of me, of the Rea that Rick met and fell in love with, of the Rea I worked so hard to be after Aubrey died.  I look back at my old graphics for this site, and listen to the old wavs I had on each page, and they are so full of hope, and plans and dreams.  I worked towards healing in those days, applied myself to it like it was a job, or a lesson, and did my very best at it. 

But this time grief is different.  Aubrey fought with all his being to live, Rick took his own life.  And I can't come to grips with that.  One of my friends told me she is so angry because each of us widowed have fought so hard to overcome, to build lives and here Rick took his own, gave up.  And I understand how she feels because no matter how much I try not to I feel that he not only gave up on life, but on me, on our love.  This time I don't have anyone to make a life for.. before I started because Aubrey can't have life and then went on for myself.  This time there is no life to build for Rick, no place to start.. I mean how do you start rebuilding a life for someone who deliberately and selfishly took what the two of you were building?

I can tell everyone who knew him that he just never learned to heal from grief, never learned to let fear of more losses go, but I know with all my being that what it boils down to is he gave up on our love and our life.  He gave up on love and I never had that happen to me.  So I tell myself I don't want love ever again.  And I mean it.  I am determined to never let myself be in the position of loving again.  Ever.  I wish I could say that two great loves is enough.  I can't say that because right now my love for Rick doesn't seem all that great. 

Loving him ruined who I was, and I don't know how or where to start getting past that.

Someone said not to take it personally, but how else do I take it?   He left himself for me to find.. I don't know how that's not personal.   He did it right outside our home.  How is that not personal?  He left me to deal with all of his stuff, his debt, his estate, his lies.  How is that not personal?

And I don't know how to deal with that.   I think it's going to drag around behind me for the rest of my life.  And that scares me.. I don't know how to not have plans, and I have none.  I don't know how to not have a dream, and I have none.  How do people live like this?  With no goals, no ambitions?  I don't know what to do about having none.

And that's what scares me. 

January 16, 2010

Eight months ago today Rick left himself for me to find.   The anger that swells in me knowing this is almost incomprehensible.  Someone said it's easier to be angry then it is to feel the pain, but that's not the truth.  It's not easy being angry.  It's hard.

I think back on our life together and I know there was no balance in our life because he picked up where he left off with Colleen, and maybe, to some extent, I picked up where Aubrey and I left off.  I dove into cleaning and cooking and taking care of.  What I didn't know was that he dove into waiting for me to be what Colleen had been for him: a protection from himself and his desire for death.   I think back to those first months, how he would wake with such a cheerful GOOD MORNING!!  and how the day always went downhill from there.  His son says I kept him alive eight years longer then he would have made it had I not come into his life.  I think that's a terrible burden to lay at anyone's feet, and I'm angry about it being laid at mine because when I met Rick all I wanted was life... all I wanted was to share life.  I think it's a terrible burden because I didn't know, and had I known I don't know that I could have behaved any better then I did.  I'm not a protector, I'm a problem solver, and Rick would have resented me trying to help him solve the need for death - he accepted those black spells like a familiar old coat.. I never understood why my love and our life, so full of good people and the opportunity for goodness, was not more appealing then the comfort found in his dark spells but I know now that he found comfort it the dark spells because they gave him respite from the energy soaking effort of living. .

The question I would ask him would be: if you couldn't keep yourself on a even keel, how could you hope that I could do it for you?

Eight months ago today.  Hardly seems possible.  It's like it never happened, like it's so far in the past that it is barely a memory.  Eight months after Aubrey died I was surrounded by sorrow, heartbreak.. the loss of him and our life overwhelmed me.  Today I'm surrounded by death.   I'm surrounded by the knowledge that Rick only applied himself to life when he feared losing me - the rest of the time he spent trying to hold on to himself.   I wanted more.  I needed more.  And I deserved more.  And I feel so desperately bad for Rick that he could have reached the age he did depending on other people for life.   What a waste.

I can't find it in myself to be grateful for those eight years.  I tell myself I met some wonderful people, have a whole new family of good people who care about me.. I should at least be grateful for Rick bringing them into my life.  But I'm not.  I know that had he been more honest about himself, with himself, had he not let me love him, I wouldn't know them so would not miss them. 

I tell myself he did what he needed to do to survive.  He tried to live.  That I had a part in that should make me feel grateful, but it doesn't.

I try to count my blessings and you know what I come up with?  I like being alone again.  I can sleep when I want, eat cold leftovers for breakfast, dress when I please, come and go as I want.  Nobody needs me to be such a cripple that I can't drive to town alone.  ie nobody questions my abilities and nobody resents my capabilities and nobody demeans my experiences.  Nobody questions me, period.   I like that.  I don't find comfort in it, but it's a relief.

Is that a good thing? 

January 17, 2010

I still see the years as I did when I was 16 years old, and the year 2010 is 100 years down the road.  How can I possibly be typing that date?  It's an amazement to me.   Two-Thousand and Ten.  And I'm 63 years old.  And I'm alone. 

I could not begin to tell you which is the biggest surprise of the three. 

I've been rebuilding my webpages, and having to read them, I can't imagine that I'll get back to that place where I lived all that I wrote about.  I don't know where I'd begin to get the courage to try it all again.  I'm not even sure if I should.  Maybe I should just stay where I am... plodding through each day, finding things to keep me busy, trying to avoid what I'm sure is going to cause me even more pain.  I can fake it.. I can tell myself that at my age I hardly see the purpose in trying again. 

I think I should probably ask God about this, but am dragging my feet in doing it.  It hasn't been my experience that God ever has let me just do nothing.  I can't for the life of me figure why anything I do would be so important to him, but He always does seem to have something for me to do.. and it's never a easy something.

Dammit.

January 21, 2010

I haven't written in a couple of days because I've been mulling over something I read.  I read about "Other Validation".  That's where one person discloses something uncomfortable about themselves (I feel fat) and the second person discloses something about themselves (let me show you my garbage too so you know I understand what you're going through).   That's what most people do.  They "Other Validate".  I do it for people all the time.  The author says it's not a great place to be... it makes the person needing support or help even more vulnerable, especially to the second person's whims (what if the second person is in a bad mood? Or takes over the conversation, forgetting the first persons needs?).   I now see that's true.  And I now understand that it's who Rick and I were to each other.. Other Validators.

What I think now is that after awhile Rick would reveal a bit of himself not to be validated but because he genuinely needed sympathy - I didn't know that so when I'd 'Other Validate' he be left bereft of having his needs fulfilled.  Understanding this I'd say to the author that 'Other Validating' leaves both people vulnerable.. the first person is bereft of what he or she needed, and the validator has exposed a bit of themselves in the wrong situation.  Anyway, the author says it's emotional gridlock.  And it is.

The author then goes on to ask what about integrity?  Today my answer to that question would be that if we spend our entire relationship in gridlock we begin to lose respect for each other.  The author essentially says if we are not honest with each other, if things are left unsaid, we begin to find fault with the other person.  That leads to internal blaming.   The author asks wouldn't integrity be better?  My answer is yes. but in looking over where we went wrong I find myself in a quandary.  Rick refused to talk.  I tried, he refused.  He told me once "Don't talk to me when I'm in a bad mood, it makes my mood worse.  And don't talk to me when I'm in a good mood, it turns my mood bad."  I asked, well, then, we'll never talk?  He said, "Exactly."  And walked off.  So for years I bit my tongue.  And grew steadily more and more, what? not exactly resentful, but yes, resentful. 

When he was building a planter and I suggested he build from the bottom up instead of the top down I did so because I did not have the strength to hold it up for him, because I knew it would hurt his back, but he screamed at me about 'challenging' him.  He hurt his back and it never, ever, healed.  And every time it hurt him he remembered he didn't let me speak, so every time it bothered him he'd get angry at me for 'being right'.  When he decided to stretch a piece of frayed carpet and I suggested he start farther back into the good fabric he yelled at me to leave him alone.. every time he walked over where the carpet again frayed he'd get angry at me for being what he called 'right'.  When he and Jeff built the woodshed I tried to suggest that the building needed braces because of the snow load it would have he told me told me to go away and stay away... feeling bad after he was done he asked me what it was I was going to suggest - when he had to brace (and re-brace and re-brace and re-brace) the building all winter he got angry at me for 'being right... again.'  Everything, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g came down to who was right and who was wrong with Rick.  If I didn't put enough salt in something I was wrong.  If I cut the potatoes differently then he has seen them cut his entire life, I was wrong.  If I vacuumed after I dusted, I was wrong.  It didn't matter that he liked my cooking, that our home was always clean. It mattered that one of us was right and one of us was wrong.

I used to feel that Rick refused to let me BE intelligent, but another way to put it is that Rick wasn't willing to let me have integrity.  That left me feeing that he wanted to make me into a nobody - by refusing to accept that I could think for myself, voice my thoughts intelligently, and have an opinion without needing him to agree he refused to acknowledge my successes.  It's hard to see looking at who he was with other people, but the only reason for that HAD to be that he refused me all those opportunities because me-being-me threatened him.  

To me that made all my experiences, all the heartache and troubles I'd struggled through useless.  As if every painful step didn't matter.  The thing is I KNOW he cared about me, I know he sympathized with my heartache... he just didn't want to be faced with my success at getting past any of it.   Rick knew how to hurt.  He did not know how to heal.  And every day he was faced with this person who had healed.  No wonder he was so torn.

I reached a place where I struggled with him do that to me, with myself for letting him.  I was praying in church one Sunday, asking the Lord to help me keep my mouth shut without feeling resentment and the Lord asked me, "Why?".  I sat straight up in the pew and asked the Lord why what?  And the Lord said, "Why should you keep your mouth shut?"  I said because it makes Rick angry.  And the Lord said, "So what?  Couples do that.  Couples correct each other, help each other, be the person the other person isn't when called for.  It's what couples do."  After church, when we were at lunch, I asked if I could share something the Lord had shown me.. and I told him about my prayer, and the Lord's response. 

Rick was shocked at first.  Then he agreed: That's what couples do.  From then on, for awhile, if I'd offer a suggestion or speak my mind and I'd see him begin to tense up I softy (and sometimes laughingly) say, "That's what couples do." and he'd visibly relax, saying yes, that's what couples do. 

But looking back now, in spite of believing the Lord's timing is perfect, I realize that it couldn't have happened at a worse time for Rick.  He didn't need me 'changing', he didn't need me 'challenging' him.  He didn't have the energy for it.  He needed every bit of himself just to keep from committing suicide, he needed the security of me shutting up and be the way he needed without question or demands. 

That's why we 'Other Validate'.  Because it feels safe.  It says to the person who needs sympathy that we understand, we feel for them, we will do what needs to be done.  Because it doesn't demand anything from us.  It's warm fuzzies without having to make any corrections.  It says to the other person, see, I have rotten places too, so yours must be ok.

The problem is that, as the author pointed out, it's NOT a safe place.  We're too vulnerable there, and we tend to get belligerent if we're vulnerable for very long.  Especially if the other person's actions show them to be competent.  And if there is anything I am, it's competent.  I just DO things.  I just DO what needs to be done.  And if something needs to be done and it doesn't get done, I figure out how and do it myself.  So if the toilet wanting to overflow isn't taken care of quickly I take care of it.  If the trash doesn't get emptied, I empty it.  It is the way I was raised: If you see a job needs doing, do it, cause if you see it needs doing and leave it for someone else, you're going to get in trouble.  For me (and my siblings) 'getting in trouble' meant one hell of a beating.  Doing things to keep from being beaten is a great motivator. 

If what the author points out is true, if it applied to Rick as I believe it did, then everything I am (was) had to be a tremendous threat to Rick.  In order to maintain his image of himself he had to keep up.  And he didn't have the energy.  So he began to resent.  And the target of that resentment was the reason for his state: me. 

I don't blame myself for Rick's emotional state.  And I'm not sure I blame him.  Months before his death I'd come to realize that his wife being who she was for him had crippled his ability to deal with life.  The thing is I thought he knew that.  I thought he had entered into counseling to change that about himself.  But he hadn't.  He started counseling because he was looking for someone to validate his feeling the way he did.   Or he was looking for someone to keep him alive.

He was only doing what he needed to do to find some peace within himself in the only way he knew how: seeking sympathy while blaming someone else and go on being who he was.  Being Rick was the only thing Rick knew how to be, and with Tim's death, and Zack's death, and then more suicide attempts by Jeff, AND me changing into 'being a couple', Rick realllllly needed some sort of sense of who he was so he had something to depend on.

The struggle must have been awful for him: trying to change who he was and clinging to who he was at the same time. 

I wish he would have given himself the time needed to find that the new person God had planned for him would be safer then the dark places he sought in solitude.   I wish I had known that this could have been what he was struggling with because maybe I wouldn't have felt driven to the verge of considering leaving him.

February 2nd, 2010

The last few days have been a emotional roller coaster.  My new dr doesn't want to treat my arthritis/osteoporosis without my past dr's records, and the reason she doesn't have them is that although they had the signed forms last

September they just sent them out last week - and I'm caught between her not knowing if she can trust me what I tell her about my health and endangering her license.  While I understand her predicament I'm angry.. I've approached her twice to ask if there is a problem, I supplied a printout of my prescription records so she could go over dates to make sure I'm not abusing the medications, and both times she was not forthcoming with her concerns. In fact both times she agreed to fax prescriptions to MEDCO so I could save some money over buying them at local pharmacies.   As a patient, dependent on her for my health care I feel she was not honest with me. And on top of dealing with all of Rick's dishonesty, and his son's dishonesty, I'm not dealing well with my own m.d.'s dishonesty.  And on top of presenting myself as honestly as possible to Rick for all that time, having my dr not believe I am who I am feels just like another betrayal.

Anyway, I'm cutting back on medication to make it last longer, and my hips and hands are killing me, especially at night.  I haven't been able to sleep more then a couple hours at a time, I'm dragging myself around at everything I do, and now it's showing in my emotions.  I'm back to not being able to let things go. 

I'm back to screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.  I'm back to thinking I'm going to wake up tomorrow and this will not even be a remembered dream.  How can I be here, in this house, and Rick be ashes sitting in a jar, waiting for Michael to sober up enough to take him out to sea and scatter his ashes?  How is this possible?  How?

And I'm almost back to yelling at God.  I asked for help months ago, and yet have been unable to find anyone who feels themselves qualified to deal with not only my grief, but also my anger.   That includes every single pastor I've gone to for help.  I asked God to show me what church he wanted me to make my church home and every time I find one, the door closes. 

And I'm back to knowing that I don't trust God with anymore of my tomorrows anymore.  And I'm back to knowing that I don't know where to go without him directing my way.

February 5th, 2010

Listen.  I take care of myself.  I'm aware I need to.  For the most part I eat healthy.  I make myself get sleep.  I exercise when I can.  I keep my home and self clean.  I do something if things get to rough so I won't linger on pain. 

But it's all just steps.  There is no meaning behind any of it.  I don't do it so I can heal.  I do it so the kids won't worry.  In case someone drops by.  So I won't be any more afraid then I am.  I don't feel any pride in getting through each day.  I don't feel any sense of accomplishment.  I don't know where I'm going.  I don't know how I'm going to get there.  I don't worry about it most of the time.  I think I'm so tired of trying to figure things out that I just won't let myself go anywhere else emotionally.  I tell myself I'm content to just be here.  But the truth is that I just don't seem to care.   I could stay here forever if there wasn't something deep within me that wasn't screaming to get out.  And I don't go near that something because I'm afraid of what it is, of how intense it could be.  I don't go near it because it could cause me to start feeling again.  Because it could cause me to start screaming again.

February 12th, 2010

It's hard to not do the countdown.  Four days to nine months.  Nine months ago today I was ironing and helping Rick pack for the Men's Retreat.  Four days later he was laying on the patio with his brains splattered on the slate.  It's not like the movies.  The hole is smaller.  The splatter less.   In fact I think the only reason that there was splatter is because it shot out when his head hit the rock.  How does that not rip a person's heart out?  Knowing this man who had such capacity for laughter hit the ground so hard that his brains shot out of a hole he deliberately put there when he gave up on our love? 

I wonder what it was like for him.  There was no Rick in that thing laying there - his eyes were open and dry, his hands clenched, he was so still that it was hard to make my brain admit it was really him.  There were no answers there to help me understand.  Did he stand there, shaking, trying to do it?  Or did he just walk out and do it?  Did he pray first?  Or did he have to maintain the pout in order to do it? 

Nine months.  Three-quarters of a year.  And I've gone on breathing and eating and doing what I did every day before he did this.  How does that happen?  Where does it come from?  How come I'm still doing all this?  Is it important?  I mean who cares if my house is clean?  Why do I even bother?  Who cares if I cook?  

I guess the answer is I do.  I can't let it take that away from me.  It's the stubbornness in me - that "I'm not going to let them drag me down" that's been in me all my life.  I think if Daddy hadn't beaten me I wouldn't be able to handle all this now.

If my childhood had been different would I have had a easier adult life?  Maybe I'd have been able to stay a softer, kinder person.  If Rick hadn't been so cruel maybe I could have stayed a softer, more loving person.  Why do men insist we change for them, then not like the changes?  Why didn't I keep on fighting him and stay me instead of turning tougher?

Because my heart couldn't handle anymore of his cruelty.   It hurt to have him change to the mean-spirited person he became.  It was lonely.

Why didn't I leave?

February 16th, 2010

I didn't like today.  Yesterday was hard enough.. I didn't expect things to happen as fast as they did.  I hated the lack of choice.. it's not that the dr wasn't kind, it was the cornered feeling that came from not having any choices.. I had to let him do the laser surgery even tho it was going to cost me part of my sight, and even tho it could never be undone.. and it hurt to know that it was going to happen again, and that next time there might have to be another laser surgery, costing me even more of my sight.  I feel stupid because I started crying when I went out to ask Vicky of she had time to wait for them to do the surgery.  Standing there, choking back tears, trying to explain.  And the surgery hurt.. I didn't expect that.  And usually I don't have trouble looking where the dr says to, but I did Monday, starting with the exam and right on through the surgery. 

I spent today waiting for the blind/black spot to appear.  I tried to not think about it being nine months today.  Tried not to think at all.  I drove down and bought my bike so I can ride with my neighbors.  I dug two huge holes and moved plants.  I played with Ruby.  I visited my neighbor, who took me over to another neighbor's to see where he put a second bath in.  I did some cleaning.  Did some grocery shopping. 

But dragging along behind me was Rick, laying there, with that hole in his head, and me screaming and screaming and screaming and nobody hearing me.

February 17th, 2010

I'm being snubbed and it hurts my feelings. 

I'm so fed up with games.

February 20th, 2010

Something happened yesterday.  I don't know what, but I'm thinking clearly about being determined to get the rest of the way out of debt and to securing my safe future. 

I listened to music in the car.  I shook the whole time, but the music didn't distract my driving.  That's a good thing.

Ruby has a ear infection.  I have to take her to the Vets Monday.

In spite of the pain in my hips I got a good night's sleep last night.  I don't know what it was disturbing my sleep these last few nights, but I'm glad it's stopped.  It felt good to wake only once.  I still feel like crying, but maybe that will ease with some more nights of solid sleep. 

Shannon and Beth's visit was ok.  I was tense, but there were no problems... they're still not going to be welcome when the other's are invited here, but maybe a nice visit will encourage them to make peace where they should.

February 22th, 2010

The issue of integrity comes into my life again.  Yesterday a pastor on TV spoke of it.  He was talking in relation to our behavior in front of our kids, but the lesson can be applied in any situation.  What it comes down to is if we betray our integrity we leave a questionable impression behind us.  I think back to that in regards to Rick.  I've questioned over and over and over, before his death, and after, why he always questioned my motives for everything.  I assumed it was a quirk in him and I resented him for it.  I've never, EVER had my love questioned like that, and it hurt to have him not realize on his own, or believe after I told him, that my motives were for us.  Everything I did was for us.  But what if he sensed that I was not being honest with him?  Even he didn't want me to voice my thoughts and ideas, could it still have made him doubt me?  I'm not blaming myself for his inabilities.  I'm saying had I stayed true to who I am instead of stifling me, would have made a difference?  I don't know.  And I'm never going to know.  What I DO need to know is that I did what I could to help us. 

Greg and Mary have asked for money.  They unwisely loaned Michael $2000 and he hasn't paid it back and they need rent money.  I told them I don't have it.  And I don't.  But I'm pretty sure that the Lord would not have me give it to them if I did have it.  Had they prayed first there is no way they would have given Michael that money.   I wish I hadn't allowed them back into my life.   It brings Michael too close.. he left me a message on Jeff's facebook page the other day.  I ignored it, but he still feels too close.

Justin came over yesterday for a short visit.  Carla is back at work today for her first day since the baby was born and she's cried off and on all weekend.  I wish she could stay home as long as she put in for. 

February 23th, 2010

Shar wrote me and other validated.  I teased her about that.. I also wrote:

I can't remember the name of the author... Shirley something.  She wrote a study book about relationships that my pastor's wife and I used after Aubrey came home from his affair.. one of the lessons in it was "list things your husband does for you".  I couldn't list a single thing.  When my pastor's wife and I sat down to go over our books she pointed out that my feeling Aubrey wasn't doing anything for me was wrong.. she said he's putting things on the table, a roof over your head, clothes on your back, and being a father to your children.  It sat me back on my heels.. what she said was true.

Sometimes, when looking at a spouse we have to start with the basics and build from there.  And then, next time, we might have to do it again.  It's like that our love never stays that same sparkling wonder it starts out to be.. it changes.  If we're blessed and work hard at it, it changes to something more steady, deeper, more dependable.  But making it such and KEEPING it such takes being willing to fall in love over and over, e-v-e-r-y s-i-n-g-l-e d-a-y.

I forgot that over my years with Rick.

Remember the old saying that a good marriage takes giving 50-50?  That's not so.. marriage is very rarely 50-50.  Most of the time it's more lopsided then that... most of the time it's 60-40, or 75-25, and sometimes 100-nothing (it swings back and forth on both people's part).  Two people being on a 50-50 alllll the time is impossible because we are not completely and evenly balanced all the time.

When the word cancer came into my life it completely and absolutely changed my priorities.  I had had theeee worse case of the "I wants" for quite awhile and all of a sudden the ONLY thing I wanted was for Aubrey to live.  And my priorities stayed that way until I met Rick.. then I wanted Rick.  I wanted to love Rick.  I wanted Rick to love me.  I wanted a home together.  I wanted, I wanted, I wanted.  Looking back from where I am now there is no way for me to go back to reset my priorities and try to do better.

But there is opportunity for you.  Let God set your priorities for you.  Recognize where Gerry IS meeting your needs and see if that doesn't make you more loving and giving.  Don't do it for any reason other but that that's where God wants you.  You might just find what I did when I realized Aubrey was truly meeting my needs in many ways.. when I became more loving he became more aware of me, and, in turn, became more aware of my needs and more complying with what I wanted and needed too.  And you will see that if you are right with God Chinese food is just as satisfying as is Mexican... and a walk with your husband just as glorious as a picnic by the lake. 

I can't have either Shar.. you can. 

Hugs,

Rea

Later:  Having said that Shar I'd remind you of two things:  Children, even when done in love, are not supposed to be correcting their parents.  I know your daughter to be a loving, caring child, but it's not her place to tell you that you are losing you.   You allowing her to voice that opinion is allowing her to sin because she is inadvertently judging her father when she does - and remember the bible story of God's anger when the one son laughed at his father's drunkenness?  The father was wrong for being drunk, but God got mad at the son for his reaction.  Your daughter should be in prayer about her father and mother IF she is led to pray in that area.  You should thank her for caring and then lovingly ask her to pray about voicing such concerns before voicing them next time.

The second thing is why not change your question to one that not only is more palatable (no pun intended) to you and gives you a chance of actually voicing a choice?  Because your daughter's concern may be a valid one.  And your losing yourself is not allowing your husband a chance to learn what you are: to reset priorities in order to meet your needs, and/or in order to please you.  So, why not ask something along the lines of, "Do you feel like Mexican cause it sure sounds good to me!"  And when he says Chinese sounds better to him cheerfully say "ok, sure, but next time I get to choose!"  And then don't wait for him to ask because he's hungry for Chinese.. pick a night and suggest a meal out at a place you have a hunger for.  Or suggest somewhere where they serve both.. like a buffet.

But, pray first.  The reason Gerry isn't aware that he isn't listening to you might just be that the Lord is working in some other, more-important-to-God area.

I love you Shar, and will hold this issue up in prayer for you.

Hugs,

Rea

March 7th, 2010

Faith is the evidence of things not seen.  Faith is the evidence of things hoped for.  Faith is the evidence of things.  Faith is the evidence.  Faith is. 

God is not a God of will happen.  God is a God of now.  He has already done it. 

This means the confidence I lost is already in me.  This means the understanding is already in me.  This means the health I seek is already in me.   So what do I do?  Do I need to dig through all the crap to find it?  Or do I need to let Him uncover it for me?  Or a combination of both?

I don't know.  But the way is already in me. 

Another pastor I loved very much said don't put your faith in Man, put it in God.  People will always let you down because they are mortal.. God never does let us down.

If I let people validate my life I'm in trouble.  God is the one that writes my story.  He validates me.  I don't know what God's plan for me is.. I don't know what His dream for me is... I don't know because I haven't let him validate me. 

March 7th, 2010

My head is so full of thoughts that my ears are ringing.

Rick did tell me he was fragile - he said he's softer then he used to be.  I took that at face value, but I shouldn't have.  He was warning me.  I don't think he was honest with either of us.  I think he was always softer inside then he 'used to be'.   I think that Colleen protected him even from his own kids because she knew that... she also knew that when that softness came to the surface he'd strike out in meanness, in anger.  That's what he was warning me about.  And my acceptance led him to believe that it was ok.  Maybe that's why he allowed himself to love me.

Easter 2010

Robert and Ian

Allen, Heather

Robert, Nathan, Carla and Aubrey, Justin and Ian

Ruby

Carla and Aubrey 

Aubrey, posing her new dress

Ian and Heather

I finally got someone to listen to me at Northbay - I explained my concerns, the screw-ups of Dr. Bajwa's staff, her hesitation in caring for me and her taking seven months to explain she did not feel qualified to care for me, her misleading or out-and-out lying to me and then making changes AFTER I left the office, when I've made it explicitly clear I participate in my medical care, and that changes and decisions need be discussed with me. 

I explained she had mislead me into thinking that her sending me to the Pain Management Center would mean someone sitting down with me and discussing my needs and offering the alternatives and treatments when all that happened was that although I was told that Dr Pena was listening, and that she told me she agreed with how I was taking my medication, that she liked how I was eating and exercising, she lied to me about the dosage on my medication, and filled it according to what the computer said even tho I told her that the info had been put into the computer wrong and that I could prove it.

I explained that (in seven stress-filled months) NOBODY seemed to have the time to actually READ my records and correct the things that were input into the computer incorrectly so that every single person affiliated with Northbay en ded up reading the same incorrect info.  I explained that (on my first visit for refills) I took my prescription bottles in for Dr Bajwa to see, that she read them and made notes in the computer and then prescribed the medications according to the incorrectly input info in her computer.  I told them that I then printed up the MEDCO list of prescriptions for the last five years and took that to her so that she could see for herself that I was telling her the truth, that I do not abuse my medications, had not ever asked for a early refill, so that she could see for herself what the dosage was supposed to be; and that, in seven months, NOBODY had gone into the computer and made the corrections.  I explained that I made four different appointments to meet with Dr. Bajwa about these mistakes and that she never made eye contact with me, agreed to make the changes, sat with her face in the computer the whole time, and the corrections have still not been made. 

I told them I no longer have any faith in her, her staff, or any office affiliated with Northbay.

I did all of this quietly and calmly, then I informed them that I am firing the whole kit and kabootle.

I have an appt with the dr that cared for me when I lived in Vacaville in 2000 on Wednesday.

May 17th, 2010

A year and a day after Rick's death I've had a moment of clarity.  I'm reading a book, a kinda who-dunnit.  In it a old woman advises a younger woman if she ever falls in love again to make sure that she does so with someone who loves her with passion.  And I knew instantly that that was what was wrong with Rick and I.  After 28 years with a man who loved me with absolute passion, who was my best friend, I fell for someone who did not.  Rick MAY (I'm not to sure of this either) have respected me.  May have admired my strength.  But he did not love me passionately.  And I think I knew that - maybe not consciously, but I knew it just the same.  And it wounded me.   Wounded me to my very core, and it's still wounding me. 

Me.  A woman who values self-value being stumped by someone who didn't have it in him to be truly passionate about life is letting a man's opinion of her stop her still in living.

So I had to ask myself why.

You asked me what was my worse fear, what there was to be afraid of.   I realized today that my fear is that I will not find my way back to me.  My fear is that I am so wounded that there is not enough of me to make a whole person.  That there is not enough of me to enable me to feel pride in myself, to again dream, or to challenge myself to be more, be better. 

That's why I shy away from feeling the beauty of things, why I reject feeling deeply about anything.  Because feeling means looking into myself and maybe finding the person Rick could not love enough to consider life with valuable enough to live for. 

I was here after Aubrey died.. here, but not here.. I knew that I am not the kind of person that men drop everything for.. that men don't fly across the world for.  I was for Aubrey, and I dreamed I could be for someone again, but deep down I didn't believe it.  I only hoped.  And Rick proved the negative right. 

I don't need to know that about myself again. 

May 23rd, 2010

Pastor on TV said that there is a difference between faith and belief.  He said believing in something does not change your circumstance.  Faith does. 

If I want God to unlock my feelings and my heart then I have to have faith.  That means I'd have to start trusting him with ME again.

:(

Pastor on TV said we came from God.  We came through our mothers from God.  We are only a product of our environment if we make ourselves such because we are not OF our environment.. we are OF God.   In us is the ability to be what God had planned for us when He sent us through our mothers.