Written May 2001

Not too long ago I shared with a friend that I had, finally, gotten myself some pastels. She responded by telling me that she wasn't ready to paint yet, She said she hadn't gotten the self-confidence back that she lost when her husband died.  Until she said that I hadn't realized that the reason I am not drawing, not painting, not writing is because I had lost my self-confidence.

That led me thinking about losses and how they affect our way of thinking about ourselves. As a matter of self-defense I say I didn't 'lose' anyone. I'm not THAT careless. Aubrey isn't out there somewhere, lost, waiting to be found. I didn't lose him. He was taken away from me.

Facing this has helped me many times, but after hearing my friend attribute her lack of self-confidence to the loss of her spouse I had to face that mine was gone too, maybe still part of it is, because those pastels are still in the box, unopened and untried.

That makes me want to cry. I had thought I was beyond that. My life is so rich, so full of goodness.  It's one of those 'Dammit Moments'. Every time I think I am 'there', every time I feel I have healed, every time I think that from this day forward I am going to be able to get back to the job of just living a day to day life something comes along that lets me know I still have a ways to go.  And thinking this I asked myself: Isn't that what living life is? Isn't that one of the reasons why life is worth living? Because we know that tomorrow is going to bring new challenges? Because we know tomorrow is a new day?

Yes, it is one of the major reasons that I have been able to go on trying.  So why am I upset? Because I am tired of these lessons being because someone very important to me was taken away.

That led me to understanding that thinking I had to become a new me was just a way of running away from the hurt of trying to be who I was without Aubrey. In so many ways who I was WAS Aubrey. All my tomorrows were tied up in plans and ideas and hopes and dreams that included and were built around him. How impossible to continue on without him. And at the same time how impossible to give up.

Trying to hang on to his memory, trying to not let everything die, and trying to figure out what to do, how to do it, proved to be too much. Best to make a new me. Best to do it MY way, To learn how to never again be who I was because of someone else. Seemed (at the time) the safest way to go... So that no matter what happened, no matter who else was taken away there would still be me. I would still have me.

Doing things alone became a way of life for me. I told myself that that was because then I would know that the accomplishments were mine. I could believe in them, could trust them, no one could take them away. They were the stepping stones to building the "new Rea". Maybe becoming a new Rea even gave me something to do, something I needed very badly. And the things I have accomplished do help me believe in myself... .....but they are not enough, or my pastels would show signs of use.

I wasn't clear, even to myself, about what my goals were, but whatever they were I doggedly wanted to do them on my own. At a time in my life when I had to take steps into a very scary unknown the safe places I had in my life would have been helpful. And instead of seeking shelter in them my insistence on doing things my way, on doing things alone, pushed the people that love me away. I realize now that I didn't have to do it the way I did. If I had let them maybe the people that I love would have been able to help me see that I was still here, still Rea. No wonder they were/are so angry.

This way of life became a prison, locking me into this frame of mind and heart... I imprisoned myself within my own need to become someone new. In my need to be safe and not lose anyone (or anyTHING) again I pushed the very people that I love away from me. And I built bars around myself that cut others out and that may have kept me in many ways from recognizing that Rea was still there, inside me, and just needed time to get over the shock.

I know that I have done well, I know that I have reason to be proud of myself, it's just that when I first realized that I had lost my self confidence I thought to myself: at a time in my life when I have finally realized that I am who I was AND who I am; At a time in my life when I thought myself, once again, moving forward without looking over my shoulder at who has been taken away, I find that I have to undo some of what I have done. But I realize now that this is just life... sometimes you take one step forward, one step back.... I'm not going to beat myself up for my mistakes. Never been here, never done this before, Never been this completely destroyed. It has been a learning experience. What I know now is that life can't be fixed BEFORE you begin to live it. It's done on a breath by breath, problem by problem, day by day basis. Which is how I was living life before he died.

And I realize had God been a larger part of this recovery none of the reparations would be necessary.  I know now that no matter how angry I am that He took Aubrey home, no matter how hurt I am at being the one left behind, not confused I am that God thinks I am stronger then Aubrey, that I can survive this loss, I am going to have to turn back to Him in the way I used to and make Him the center of my life again.. else I am never going to move beyond this point either.

If, while you are grieving, you look into yourself and don't see you try to believe this: Who you are is still there. That person is wounded, hurt, hurting, afraid, grieving. That person is in hiding for awhile. Try to look to those who love you, not out of fear, but with love and gratitude, because your place in their hearts is you, each little piece will help you see yourself.. ...let them gather around you... ...let their love hold who you are in safety while you heal..

:)