NUTS'N'BOLTS

 

 

In the beginning...

Do not assume because you can't see me that I am an opportunity for you to "become" more than you are... you might decide you want to meet me someday and if you have exaggerated or lied to me you have already started off on the wrong foot.

 

Do not fib about your real circumstances. Be who you really are.

 

If you want to be MORE than you are then do it from the inside out...  This is an opportunity for you to stretch yourself, to be kinder, to be more caring, to be more considerate.

 

I am real. Treat me like I am.

 

That means treat me with the same consideration you would any man or woman that lived in the same town you do.

 

A developing friendship is 50-50. Don't expect me to do all the IMing.

 

Use common courtesies...

You wouldn't stand halfway between me and someone else and try to pretend that you are carrying on a conversation with just me.  If you are IM'd by someone else while we are talking and need or want to respond, SAY SO.  Inform the new IM'er that you need a sec to excuse yourself from your current conversation(s), then explain to the me that you have another IM and need or want to talk to that person. Do a BRB in a room if you are there, that way those of us that are watching or that are involved in your conversation in the room are not left hanging. If you talk to more than one person let us know, so that we don't sit there and wonder what is going on.

 

Don't start a conversation with me when you know that you are not going to be able to finish it.  Or tell me up front that you are expecting company, a phone call, and will have to leave suddenly.  Take the time to say good bye. You'd take the time in person, right?

 

I am a real person, and I want people to know that and to trust me, but I'm not stupid.  I realize that a certain amount of distance has to be maintained until meeting (and time) is given a chance to establish grounds for trust... But we're not 14 anymore... adults treat each other fairly.  No matter what kind of a relationship: Casual, friends or romantic:

 

I cannot say this enough: Don't make me do all the IMing.

When you don't IM me it makes me feel you do not care about me as a person.   It makes me wonder and doubt who you are and what kind of a person you are.

 

Respond to e-mails.  You need to be left alone while you take care of mail? or so you can visit with a friend?  SAY SO.

 

A half-truth is a lie.

A block is a door slammed in my face... (and reason for me to begin to wonder if you are a player).  If we are attracted to each other's conversation and are talking about meeting than hiding other names you use, or blocking me after you have told me about them, will lead to hurt feelings, and cause doubt and suspicion.  Why would there be a need to block or hide?  If I don't have the self-control to leave you alone when you ask for privacy then why would you want to meet me?  If I am so insecure that you cannot be straightforward with me than why would you want to meet me?  I am not a jealous or suspicious person.. but I wouldn't stay in a personal relationship where another person's actions make me have to struggle against doubt... so I won't stay with an online one either.  Been there, done that, once was enough.

 

When asked a question don't offer an excuse in place of an answer.   Most of us have raised kids, we are experts at spotting an excuse.

If you don't know the answer say so.

If you aren't ready to answer say so.

If you don't want to answer say so.

It's simple: You just say "Sorry, I'm not ready to answer that."

 

When you make a date with me online, give me a time, please.

You wouldn't invite me for coffee then expect me to go sit in the restaurant and wait for you to show up, whenever that might be.

 

And, if we have a date, don't come online and read your mail before you say hi. You wouldn't walk in to a room and read your mail without greeting me first, nor would you greet me then say: Let me check my mail, BRB and leave me sitting there waiting for our time to begin.

 

If something happens and you can't make it, excuse yourself from whatever is happening and call me if you have my number, or come online if you don't, and tell me that you can't make it.  You wouldn't leave me sitting in a restaurant without calling, would you?

 

Everyone has things in their off-line life that have to take priority.  Emergencies arise, jobs need to be taken care, kids need attention.  The phone rings. Someone comes to the door. You want to get a soft drink or refill your coffee.  I am a grown woman, I understand these things.  But if I was your company, in your home, you would excuse yourself to answer that phone or door, or to take care of the kids or job. And, sometimes, you'd let the phone ring, or tell the kids to go play, or tell whoever: I'm sorry, I'm busy, we'll have to deal with this later.

 

A developing friendship is trial and error sometimes. Certainly we must learn from our failures here online. But, please, do not come up with your own idea of what is really happening, or what is really being said. If there is doubt, ASK. It's too easy to mistake what is said or intended because we do not have voice inflection, body language, the simple reassurance of the human touch to guide us and keep us away from misunderstandings.

 

Don't play games by testing me.

I'm an adult..

Ask me what it is you want to know.

Tell me if something is wrong.

Voice your concerns.

Because after the first time:

I won't sit and fret because you aren't here.

I won't call and ask you what is wrong.

I don't respond to the "Let her sweat for awhile" tactic.

And I don't react to attempts to make me jealous or attempts to show me other women are interested in you.

Those are the games teenie-boppers play.

I'm a grown woman.

I'm past falling for someone.

These days I choose my friends and relationships and I stick by my convictions.

 

The old "I got bumped and couldn't get back online" line

Listen up... If are talking in an IM and you get bumped and you can't get back online?  For heaven's sake... PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL ME AND LET ME KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.  Those emails the next day saying "sorry, got fed up and went to bed' won't fly with me!  Makes me a not-so-important person, just another 'online nobody' when you just walk away from your computer with a 'oh well' attitude.

 

Essentially, what I am saying to you is:

Do NOT treat me like I am less because I am online.

 

I won't always be able to put you first in whatever is happening in my life and I do not expect that you will be able to put me first all the time either.  But, as my friend, what is happening between you and I at the moment will be weighed against what has just arisen and I will give you due consideration in the choice I have to make... and I will make you aware of what is going on.

 

To be honest?

I don't care if you don't want to tell your friends you have to go, you have an online 'date'.  I keep some of my life here online private too, but I do not and will not, ever, leave you hanging.  If you are my friend I am not ashamed of that and I will not hide you from the people in my off-line life.  I will not demean you in that manner and I will not let you demean me.

 

I don't care if you don't want to admit to your kids that you are kinda 'courting' someone online.. I have friends and family that do not understand how I can make friends here, online.  I explain, try to help them to understand. If they refuse then that's their problem.  I will not let other's force me into choices in any of my relationships.  I tell them Online is a part of my life.. deal with it.  From that point on I simply say to them: I'm sorry, I've made plans.

 

Time to say Good bye?

Decided you don't want to meet?  Realize you've said to much? Gone to far? SAY SO!!  Do not just disappear.  If you won't treat me with the same courtesies and kindnesses and considerations you treat the people in your off-line life then you are attempting to make me your 'nobody'.  I won't let you do that.  I deserve better than that.

 

Our memories of our experiences are the guidelines we use to make future choices and decisions.

YOUR actions can affect MY lifetime memories.

Keep that in mind when you are making your choices concerning me,

because I want both our hearts to be ones full of good memories,

not places where doubt and fear reside.

These rules are common sense.

They will help me believe that I am real to you.

That there is substance to our friendship.

That there is a real place for me in your life...

I'll need that because, if you are becoming or have become my friend,

I have granted you a place in mine.

 

I talked for 10 months to a man that sat on the phone with me when I had to kick out my border-from-hell, that helped me get through losing my home in a bankruptcy - we talked for hours at a time, he even called me when I couldn't sleep and told me bedtime stories to help me. He encouraged me to write my book.. he even assigned me so much writing a day. He said he was saved and he was never inappropriate, and after 10 months, when I had the opportunity to travel to a place near him to visit a friend, he went silent.. disappeared.

 

So I paid to have him investigated.. nothing, not-a-single-thing he'd told me about himself for the whole 10 months was true.   His age, the picture he sent, his phone numbers, all fakes.  His background faked.  He told me he'd moved out of the house his wife and he owned because he couldn't bear being there without her. The home he was living in at the time I had him investigated was in her name and had been purchased AFTER he said she had passed away.

 

I'm not trying to ruin you talking to men. But what I DO think is important is that you verify what he says about himself right now, right up front. Because IF he is a liar about himself he is a waste of your time.. and believe me, even if you just want a friend, even if you believe HE just needs a friend, wasting your time on a liar is the hardest thing you will have to live with from here on out.

Below is a list of things that I used to have posted on my website.. please read them ALL the way through, ok?

 

Some simple rules to go by that will help you decide if he is real: They are NOT fool proof:

 

Log your chats:

The man that I talked to for ten months told me not to log chats and gave me a valid reason why not to, so I didn't. Later he began retracting things he had told me about himself, claiming he never said them. He was so convincing that I began to doubt myself... A log would have shown me his lies.

 

Is he who he says?

Does he claim to be from Virginia? Well then, does he have an accent? The man I talked to for ten months told me he was born and raised there, but I should have noticed he had no accent. He said he was my age, but his voice sounded so much younger. When I had him researched I found he had lied about his age, he WAS much younger.

 

When it's time send something to him and don't tell him you have...

Watch the time it takes for him to say thank you. If it arrives in a timely manner then he's probably at the address they've given you. I sent the man in TX a bouquet of flowers on the day he said his wife passed. It took him a week to thank me. That should have sent up red flags.. but I didn't do it to test, I did it out of kindness. If I had it to do all over again, I'd send a card. It's cheaper and I wouldn't feel such a fool.

And l? if he never send you a card something is up. In that whole ten months the man from TX never, ever sent me a single thing, not even a card on my birthday. NOW I know that he didn't want me to have something with a postmark and his real handwriting on it.

 

Get pictures..

But remember, they can send a 10 yr. old pic and they can trade a pic that isn't even their pic... current pics holding a card you mailed are the best kinds of pics to have.

 

Get phone numbers...

Call day and night (in the middle of the night if you have the guts). It's not 100% effective but a pretty sure bet that he is single if he answers AND talks to you. If he answers and says I can't talk now, be leary. After meeting one man many, many times in restaurants I agreed to let him cook me dinner at his apartment. He refused to answer his phone, but my daughter was pregnant, near labor, so the sixth time it rang I just picked up his phone. It was the woman who had spent the last weekend with him at his home.

 

When you feel it's safe have him call you...

This way you'll know that he isn't afraid to have your number show up on his bill. If you are the one making all the calls then something is wrong . I can see not wanting to give out work numbers in the beginning. Who wants to take the chance that some online weirdo is going to end up pestering you at work? But, after awhile? If you only have his cell number then he's married or with someone.

 

Be leery of a phone number that is always answered by an answering a machine.

Giving you a phone number or numbers is NOT a sign of having nothing to hide. Anyone can have a number in Florida and have it on call-forwarded to Oregon... many business people do just that in order to seem 'local' to prospective customers.

 

Ask Questions...

Get direct answers. Do NOT ask a question with the preface "if you don't want to answer I'll understand".

 

A stall is a stall... "phone" "gotta go Sweetie" "someone's at the door" every time you ask a question? He's probably hiding something - grownups say right out "I'm not ready to tell you that yet"'

 

A lie is a lie is a lie. If a person dodges what they don't want to answer with a lie then they WILL lie about other things. Ask questions that can be checked from where you are.

 

When you're ready you HAVE to tell people who you're talking to and what's being said.

 

The married man that pretended to be a widower would not have been able to carry out his lie if I had spoken out in the room about who I was talking to - because when I ended up talking to his wife and she went into W&W and told them he was married we all found out he was telling several other women the same lies he told me...

 

Consider people's doubts...

I know people that just cannot relate that we can become close to or attached to people we have never met... that's their problem. But listen to your friends and family and what they say, and do not discount it because they do not understand... they might pick up on something you have missed.

 

Attack is the best form of defense...

And, boy, do the players know how to attack. With the man from TX I always ended up apologizing for asking some simple direct question. He'd get hurt feelings because I 'didn't trust him'. I'd get accused of playing head games, or wanting commitment when we hadn't even met, and it wasn't till after he went silent and I stopped and looked at the things that had happened that I realized that I'd spent so much time apologizing that I never DID get answers... I should have been wondering what it was that he was hiding.

 

If you meet, NEVER meet in private...

Meet in public. Have someone watch from another place. Have that someone take pictures, get license numbers. When my daughter went out on her 1st date my husband was out of town. My best friend's husband showed up and when my daughter's date arrived he had to produce a valid driver's license, proof of insurance, and my friend's husband wrote down the make, model and license number of the car. You might feel silly asking for a driver's license, but better to feel silly now then end up robbed, raped, or dead.

 

And , if you decide to meet HE does the flying, I do not care if you can afford it more then he can. I flew to meet a man in Ohio that asked me to fix his computer. While looking through it for some files I found AWFUL porn.. Even tho I stayed in a motel, I was stuck in his state, with no way to get to meals, etc, and no way to get home before my scheduled flight. He later married and a yr later his wife called me to tell me that he had been arrested by the FBI as part of a child porno ring.

 

And you do NOT allow him in your home. Period. Not even to cook him dinner. I've know widows from our room who have been raped, who were robbed, and I, personally, ended up with a stalker who repeatedly showed up at my door uninvited. I finally had to call the police - policemen who were not sympathetic to someone so stupid as to let a man I'd spoken on the phone into my home.

 

20-20 had a show on meeting online people... the lady had the man checked out (using one of those "search" company's) to see if he was who and what he said... he got offended when he found out - said it was an invasion of his privacy.

Keep in mind that his rights end where yours begin. Checking someone out is a matter of self defense. If he walks away it will not be because you failed to trust him or take him at his word. If he is real he will respect your showing common sense and practicing safety.

 

Listen to your gut...

If things don't ring true, if your gut is saying something else is going on here, if red flags are going up, PAY ATTENTION TO THEM. Make sure that you believe him because what you hear is believable... and that it isn't because you just want soooo much to believe.

 

Don't give in to fear...

If you're afraid most of the time watch your conversations... bets are he is sliding little things into the conversation to keep you there, in fear. When you let yourself be taken because you're afraid that you give him power. YOUR power. If he's a player he is good at getting and holding on to your power.

 

I heard a quote awhile back: A successful manipulator convinces himself that the lie he is telling is the truth. That's why he is so successful.

 

Don't let yourself be manipulated. Anyone telling the truth will be willing to back it up with facts. If there is no truth there is no foundation for a relationship.

 

Keep things in perspective...

If you've talked every day for a hour you've STILL only spent 30 hours with this man.  If you've talked every day for three months, you've spent 90 hours talking to him.  That's less than a week ladies.  LESS THAN A WEEK.   Double it and it's two weeks.   You haven't seen his face.  You don't know what he looks like when angry, or upset, or uncomfortable.  You can't read his body language.  YOU DO NOT KNOW HIM!  You know what he wants you to know and that's ALL you know.

 

So don't be rushed!

Make good healthy choices for yourself because you have to live with yourself longer than you do anyone else.